EXT. BREATH TAKING LANDSCAPE (Obviously shot in Vancouver, Canada, but we are supposed to believe it’s MAINE)

EXT. BLACK LAKE (Dubbed LAKE PLACID)

Sheriff BRENDAN GLEESON is sitting in a boat on the middle of the lake, stuffing his face.

BRENDAN GLEESON

(to director Steve Miner)

Shit man, I sure hope we’ll get this shot right this time, this is the seventeenth fucking doughnut I’m eating.

STEVE MINER

Don’t worry pal, FOX will pay you for a session with the Weight Watchers. Action!

Here we see the scene obviously taken from JAWS, but we are supposed to believe it was DAVID E. KELLEY’s idea.

DAVID E. KELLEY

Man, I’m so glad this scene had already been written 20 something years ago so I didn’t have to bother with it.

A MAN wearing SCUBA DIVING GEAR starts trashing about in the water. Brendan Gleeson pulls him out and puts him in the boat. The poor sucker’s been bitten in half, his guts are leaking out.

BRENDAN GLEESON

All right, I’m just a small town sheriff with a stupid look on my face, and this is way over my head. I think I’d better call Bill Pullman.

INT. MUSEUM, NEW YORK

BRIDGET FONDA

Hi! I’m obviously the rehash of Ally McBeal’s character, but you are supposed to believe I’m a fresh, genuine idea that sprung from David E Kelley’s smart brain. I’m a woman in distress because my ugly girlfriend slept with my even uglier boyfriend and he dumped me. So I decided to go to Vancouver, sorry, MAINE to look at a tooth. I know it sounds weird,  because I hate the great outdoors, and when I think about camping in the woods my butt starts itching and my lips start twitching, but there are so many silly things in this movie you won’t even notice this one.

EXT. BLACK LAKE, DUBBED LAKE PLACID

BILL PULLMAN

(to Bridget Fonda)

Man, I can’t believe we have a crocodile in this lake, just like I can’t believe you would sign up for a dud like this one!

BRIDGET FONDA

Why, you signed up too!

BILL PULLMAN

I’m trying to prove to my brother that it’s a lot cooler being a forest ranger in a silly movie than a real doctor.

A CHOPPER lands on the water.

OLIVER PLATT

Hello, fellow shallow characters! Where is the crocodile?

BRENDAN GLEESON

Amazing. How did you know about that?

OLIVER PLATT

My pet iguana told me. Animals can communicate telepathically you know.

BRENDAN GLEESON

I didn’t know that.

OLIVER PLATT

Well, from the look on your face I guessed that much. Hey, what’s that? He points to the ground. The four cardboard characters gather around a SEVERED HUMAN TOE crawling with MAGGOTS. Oliver Platt picks it up and holds it up to Brendan Gleeson.

OLIVER PLATT

Is this the man who was killed?

BRENDAN GLEESON

How the hell should I know? He never showed me his toes.

DAVID E. KELLEY

Hey, quit ad libbing! Stick to the bloody script!

BRENDAN GLEESON

I’m sick and tired of your idiotic one liners! I bet even the goddamn crocodile has better lines than I do!

ANIMATRONIC CROCODILE

Even my CGI counterpart has better lines than you do.

OLIVER PLATT

All right, let’s get into the water!

BILL PULLMAN

Isn’t that stupid? We know the man eating crocodile is in there.

OLIVER PLATT

Tell that to David E. Kelley. He wrote the script not me.

They get into scuba diving gear and search the lake while foreboding MUSIC suggests they are in danger. After finding nothing they go ashore.

BRIDGET FONDA

God, I hate the forest, I’m allergic to trees and bushes, and ticks and birds and skunks and grass, and anything that’s not sterilized or air conditioned. I hope you people brought a portable bathroom, because there’s no way I’m going to do a number two into a hole in the ground!

OLIVER PLATT

(to Brendan Gleeson)

And you thought you had the shittiest lines.

Having nothing to do on the shore they all go back in the lake, this time on boats. Suddenly a HORDE OF FISH starts going nuts in the water.

BRENDAN GLEESON

What the hell is that?

OLIVER PLATT

The crocodile probably farted and the fish are trying to get some fresh air.

BRENDAN GLEESON

I didn’t know crocodiles farted!

OLIVER PLATT

The only creature on earth who doesn’t fart is Suzanne Sommers.

BRENDAN GLEESON

I didn’t know that either.

OLIVER PLATT

They conceal that kind of information in educational literature.

BRENDAN GLEESON

The National Geographic?

OLIVER PLATT

The National Enquierer.

AUDIENCE

All right, enough one liners. We want to see some action!

STEVE MINER

Oh, sorry, we almost forgot. Where is the crocodile?

The CHIEF ANIMATRONIC TECHNICIAN switches the remote control ON. Nothing happens.

C.A.T.

What the hell?

ANIMATRONIC CROCODILE

Should’ve used Energizer you dimwit!

The C.A.T. changes batteries. Suddenly the CROCODILE jumps out of the water. It is obviously fake but we are supposed to think it’s real. It lunges forward and BITES the C.A.T.’s HEAD OFF.

The WOMEN in the audience SHRIEK and cover their EYES.

BILL PULLMAN (to Bridget Fonda)

Look out Ma’am! You are in danger!

BRIDGET FONDA

How many times I have to tell you to stop calling me Ma’am?!

The MEN in the audience SHRIEK and cover their EARS.

BRIDGET FONDA (cont’d)

If you ever do that again I’m gonna kick your butt!

BILL PULLMAN SHRIEKS and covers his BUM.

After some more bickering and head scratching and another head bitten off, the four absolutely uninteresting characters go to see Betty White who lives in a cute house at the lake.

INT. BETTY WHITE’S HOUSE

AUDIENCE

Hey, that’s the stupid Golden Girl!

BETTY WHITE

You ain’t seen nothing yet people. Now I’m the Golden Girl with an attitude. You should hear the juicy lines I get to say in this movie. I hope you are all over 18.

Then she proceeds to tell the four actors trapped in a bad movie how she knows squat about the crocodile. She is obviously lying through her teeth, but we are supposed to think that a gray haired lady like that wouldn’t lie. But then, she is caught feeding a cow to the crocodile, so we know she is an old liar.

EXT. FOREST

The boring characters stand around doing nothing, except Bridget Fonda who can’t keep her bloody mouth shut.

BRIDGET FONDA

I’m so distressed! I’m surrounded with plant life, wild life and a bunch of idiots, and I have to sleep in a tent and wipe myself with leaves....

(to David E. Kelley)

Do I really have to lay it on so thick?

DAVID E. KELLEY

Hang in there girl, we have to get Bill Pullman to develop some sympathy for you.   Betty White comes over looking thoughtful.

DAVID E. KELLEY

Here comes the old bitch. She keeps fussing over her lines.

(to Betty White, smiling)  What is it sweetie?

BETTY WHITE

Asshole.

DAVID E. KELLEY

You call me that again you silly old bat, and I’ll break every osteoporosis ridden bone in your scrawny little body!

BETTY WHITE

No, no. I want to say: "asshole". Thanks to you I get to say every swear word one can find in a dictionary except "asshole". I want to say it. There is a sexy ring to it, don’t you think?

David. E. Kelley looks over at Steve Miner.

DAVID. E. KELLEY

Can she say "asshole"?

STEVE MINER

I don’t think so. They would give us a more strict rating.

DAVID E. KELLEY (to Betty White)

Sorry sweetie, no "asshole". We have to maintain a certain  degree of sophistication here.

EXT. LAKE - NIGHT

Four out of the five uninspiring characters stand on the beach, scratching their collective heads.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Boy, do we have a problem. We have to find a way to  catch that crocodile.

OLIVER PLATT

Next time it comes out of the water you should drop your pants. I bet that’d do it. No living creature could stand that kind of shock without passing out.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Why do you keep insulting me?

 OLIVER PLATT

David E. Kelley thinks it’s funny.

AUDIENCE

It isn’t. Trust us.

BRIDGET FONDA (to Bill Pullman)

Come on Bill, do you have any ideas?

BILL PULLMAN

Why would I? My only function in this movie is to be the gorgeous guy with the cool yellow pickup truck. All the other men here are ugly as hell.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Sounds like you had more fun chasing tornadoes in "Twister".

BILL PULLMAN

That was Bill Paxton for chrissakes! I’m so sick and tired of people mixing us up!

AUDIENCE

We’ll be damned! We thought those two were the same guy.

BILL PULLMAN’S AGENT

Sshhhh! They are. But don’t spread it. He pays less taxes this way.

BRENDAN GLEESON

All right, stop bickering! We need ideas.

AUDIENCE

Why don’t you throw that annoying Bridget Fonda character into the water? That should bring the croc out of hiding. We wouldn’t mind if she got eaten, we hate her anyway.

ANIMATRONIC CROCODILE

You’ve got to be kidding me. She is too skinny even to make a decent horse d’oeuvre!

BRENDAN GLEESON

I told you the damn crocodile had more sophisticated lines than we did!

ANIMATRONIC CROCODILE (cont’d)

There’s no way I’m gonna move my ass for anything smaller than Roseanne!

BILL PULLMAN

Come on guys, we really need to solve this problem!

OLIVER PLATT

Consider it solved my fellow boring character. I know how to keep old reptiles in line, after all I was a regular on Murphy Brown for several years. So I’m an expert.

BILL PULLMAN

Are we going to use a net like they do in Africa?

OLIVER PLATT

No, we are going to do it the American way.

BRIDGET FONDA

What’s that?

OLIVER PLATT

The africans do it with a net and ropes, other people do it with some other shit, but we are going to do it with a helicopter.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Why didn’t I think of that?

OLIVER PLATT

Because you are an uneducated asshole.

Betty White snorts and looks over at David E. Kelley accusingly.

BETTY WHITE

How come he is allowed to say "asshole"?

DAVID. E. KELLEY

Shut up sweetie!

(to Oliver Platt)

Go on, I love this part!

OLIVER PLATT

We crash-land the helicopter in the water and the crocodile will swim into it and get stuck.

BRIDGET FONDA

This David E. Kelley is a genius.

ANIMATRONIC CROCODILE

He is an asshole.

BETTY WHITE

That’s it! This is sexual discrimination! All the male members of the cast are allowed to say "asshole", but not the women?

DAVID E. KELLEY

Women? Sweetie, you are the only woman on the set.

BETTY WHITE

What about Bridget Fonda?

DAVID E. KELLEY

She is not a woman, just an Ally McBeal mutant. And Ally McBeal isn’t a woman either, just a scraggly set of bones.

BETTY WHITE

What about Meredith Salenger?

 DAVID E. KELLEY

She isn’t a woman either, sweetie, just a pair of tits for the men in the audience to look at.

AUDIENCE

All right, quit yapping! We want to see some action!

Silence. The cardboard characters, minus the old one with the foul mouth are standing on the beach quietly, staring at the lake. Suddenly the crocodile JUMPS out of the water. Everybody starts shooting, but the crocodile makes it like Rambo and doesn’t even flinch. Somehow Bridget Fonda finds herself in the water again, the croc goes after her and manages to get itself STUCK in the chopper.

EVERYBODY ON THE SET

Yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE

Zzzzzzzz.........

STEVE MINER

Damn! The audience is asleep. What do we do?

DAVID E. KELLEY

Don’t worry Stevie, I have a contingency plan. Here we go.

Silence. No music. That means something is up. Suddenly the TRUMPETS start blaring. A second CROCODILE takes its cue and JUMPS out of the water. Brendan Gleeson BLOWS it to numerous pieces of animatronic materials.

INT. BILL PULLMAN’S COOL YELLOW PICKUP TRUCK - LATER

BILL PULLMAN

(to Bridget Fonda)

I can’t stand your character, but Kelley wants some romance in this thing. We are supposed to end up together, so get in.

BRIDGET FONDA

Well, at least we don’t have to kiss.

Steve Miner thrusts the script under their noses.

STEVE MINER

Yes you do. So go for it!

AUDIENCE

Noooooo Waaaaaaay!!!!!!!

STEVE MINER

All right, I can take a hint.

(to Bill and Bridget)

Just drive the hell off!

They do.