TITLE: THE VIRGINIAN: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
AUTHOR: Ildi
RATING: PG-13 for some bad words
DISCLAIMER: Ildi and billpullman.org do not have any rights or ownership over the story and characters. They belong to someone else. Probably Ted Turner. He owns just about everything else. Except for AOL/Time Warner--they kicked him out. On the other hand he bankrolled "The Virginian" so the guy can't be all bad. No one is making any money off of this. Ildi doesn't have any money; billpullman.org doesn't have any money. So, Ted, just sit back and prepare to laugh. Sorry, dude. We highly recommend the film; it's really good. Go buy it and that way Ted can make more money so that he can give it away to his favorite charities. Hey, that's not a bad deal! And, you'll understand what the blazes Ildi's making fun of.
EXT. BEAUTIFUL WYOMING LANDSCAPE (shot in Alberta, Canada, where else?)
With mountains, rolling hills and lots of green grass.
CANADIAN VIEWERS
Boy, this is really pathetic. Don’t the Americans have a nice place in their own country?
TED TURNER
Oh, shut up! I hate you people. Canadians are all fat, whiny and they wear their baseball caps the wrong way. Unfortunately, your crummy country is still the least expensive place to shoot a movie and make it look American.
CANADIAN VIEWERS
You are cheap, Ted!
TED TURNER
Wouldn’t you be? I’m in the middle of a divorce. My wife is gonna make off with most of my money!
EXT. WYOMING/ALBERTA
The camera PANS the landscape. More rolling hills, more green grass, in the distance a carriage is approaching. The camera moves closer and closer and closer, and CLOSER......
The carriage suddenly becomes a blur, the world turns upside down, we hear a CRASHING sound followed by GROANING and CURSING.
CLOSE UP ON NOTHING IN PARTICULAR, some parts of the carriage rolling by, an ant crawling on the lens.
VOICE
Would someone switch to camera #2?
CAMERA #2 PANS the landscape. Rolling hills (again), even more green grass, the carriage and the crane with camera #1 in ruins, Bill Pullman, Diane Lane and the assistant director trying to crawl out from under the wreckage.
BILL PULLMAN
Dammit!
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
(to Bill Pullman)
You were supposed to tilt the camera backwards, not forward and NOT THAT much! What did you do?
BILL PULLMAN
Pushed the wrong damned button.
DIANE LANE
(groaning)
I hate rookie directors!
ASST. DIRECTOR
Maybe you should practise your crane shots before we do another take. Hey, what’s wrong with your arm?
BILL PULLMAN
Nothing. Why?
ASST. DIRECTOR
You’re wearing that sling around your neck...
BILL PULLMAN
It’s a bandana. Every cowboy wears one.
ASST. DIRECTOR
Oh, okay.
EXT. RIVER
Diane Lane and a chubby character attempt to cross the river with the carriage. The horses are worried and so is Diane Lane, but of course the fat cowboy doesn’t listen to her so we know they’ll get into trouble. They do, but we’ll be darned if the Virginian doesn’t show up just at the right moment to save their butts.
DIANE LANE (to Bill Pullman)
I’m too busy being freaked out so you’d better not expect me to thank you just now. Hey, did you break your arm?
BILL PULLMAN
No.
DIANE LANE
Then why are you wearing a sling?
BILL PULLMAN
What are you talking about?
DIANE LANE
Oh, I thought...
BILL PULLMAN
(slightly irritated)
Stop thinking. It’s not good for you. It’s a bandana, okay?
EXT. THE JUDGE’S PLACE
The cowboys are playing cards at a table. Bad boy Colm Feore is beating the pants off everybody.
BILL PULLMAN
All right, let’s see who’s the boss here.
COLM FEORE
I’m gonna whip your butt, you arrogant bastard!
BILL PULLMAN
When you call me that, smile...
COLM FEORE
Or what?
BILL PULLMAN
Or I’m gonna put your ass in a sling.
COLM FEORE
Like the one you wear around your neck?
BILL PULLMAN (pissed)
This is a bandana you idiot! What is wrong with everybody?
(to the wardrobe person)
Tell these morons it’s a bandana. They don’t seem to grasp the idea.
The wardrobe person looks stricken.
BILL PULLMAN
What?!
WARDROBE PERSON
Well, er......
BILL PULLMAN (thundering)
Are you telling me that this IS a goddamn sling I’m wearing?
WARDROBE PERSON
I’m so sorry Mr. Director, but when we started shooting I noticed that the bandana was left back in LA and we needed one quickly so I got this one from the local doctor’s office.
BILL PULLMAN
Oh, for crissakes!
ASST. DIRECTOR
Take it easy Bill, this is going to be a made for TV movie and everything looks smaller on TV, you know that. Nobody will notice.
EXT. JUDGE’S PLACE, COURTYARD
The Judge is having a party kind of thing outside. Bill watches Diane Lane and decides it’s time to make a move.
BILL PULLMAN
Would you dance with me Ma’am?
DIANE LANE
Where I come from a gentleman has to be introduced to a lady before he can ask her for a dance.
BILL PULLMAN
Where I come from mouthy women like you are tied behind a horse and dragged around by the hair until they learn some respect. So I suggest you get up from your pretty tushy and start hopping around while I’m in a civilized mood.
DIANE LANE
Oooh, I love a man with a voice of authority.
BILL PULLMAN
You’d better. I’m the only cowboy here worth looking at. I made sure of that when I hired the other actors. And I demand respect, after all I played the president of the United States once.
EXT. JUDGE’S PLACE - NEXT DAY
The cowboys are gathered around the Judge and a dead man on a carriage.
JUDGE
All right people, we have a problem. My fences have been cut, some of my cows and horses have been stolen.......
THE PULLMANITES
Ah, quit talking man, who gives a rat’s backside about your stinking horses? We want to see Bill!
BILL PULLMAN
Well, I love giving in to the viewers’ demands. Cut! Quit yapping, and let’s do some nice close ups of me.
A SERIES OF CLOSE UPS: BILL’S EYES, BILL’S FACE, BILL’S HAIR, BILL ON A HORSE, BILL LEANING AGAINST A TREE.....
ILDI (taking snaps on the computer)
Oh man, the girls are gonna love this!
After Bill is done posing for the camera he goes to see Diane Lane at the school house and they go for a ride.
BILL PULLMAN
Do I look okay on the horse?
DIANE LANE
Sure you do. David Letterman said so, didn’t he?
BILL PULLMAN
Blah! Like he’d know. I doubt he’s ever seen a real horse up close.
EXT. NICE PLACE WITH A RIVER
DIANE LANE
Killing is bad for you. I hope you are not going after Colm Feore!
BILL PULLMAN
This is the wild west, sweetheart! It’s kill or to be killed.
DIANE LANE
I don’t like men who use their guns. There has to be a better way to fight your enemy.
BILL PULLMAN
You’ve been watching too many Jackie Chan movies.
DIANE LANE
Can you at least read?
BILL PULLMAN
Well, I don’t have a lot to offer, but I can make my way down a shelf of dirty magazines.......
(chuckling)
...although you don’t really have to read those, you can figure things out just by looking at the pictures.
DIANE LANE
You are a pig. But since you are the only cowboy around here who doesn’t have a horse face I’m willing to ignore that fact.
BILL PULLMAN
Do you like me miss?
DIANE LANE
Well, of course!
BILL PULLMAN
I reckon you’re gonna love me before we are through.
DIANE LANE (to herself, sighing)
And I reckon you need two horses to carry an ego that size.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE
Bill Pullman and his cowboy friend John Savage escort bad guy Dennis Weaver with a couple of horses. Some stuff happens, Bill ends up giving Dennis a good whipping for abusing a horse (for which we bet the animal rights activists are quite grateful),and manages to lose all the horses. He goes after them into the woods and bumps into more bad guys who have the nerve to shoot him.
Slowly, and in a well choreographed way Bill falls off his horse. He moves around a little, then lays still.
Silence. The only sounds we hear are the WIND blowing and the birds CHIRPING. Bill slowly raises his head.
BILL PULLMAN
Anybody wants to say „CUT"?
ASST. DIRECTOR
Oh, sorry! I thought you wanted to say it.
BILL PULLMAN
I’m supposed to be unconscious you nitwit, how could I say „CUT"?
(to Ted Turner)
This is what happens when you hire a film crew on a tight budget.
EXT. FOREST - LATER
Diane Lane shows up (don’t ask how, it’s a darn miracle) and finds Bill lying face down in the dirt. She stops the bleeding and takes Bill home (don’t ask how she managed to put 6 foot something, 200 pounds plus Bill on the back of the horse, it’s another darn miracle), and nurses him back to health.
BILL PULLMAN
I’m sorry I caused you grief by coming on to you like that, but you have to understand, there aren’t a lot of women around here.
DIANE LANE
Oh, I understand. I forgive you, and I love you, I cannot resist you anymore!
PULLMANITES
Sniff, sniff, sniff....
They can’t be together long. Colm Feore starts acting up and Bill’s friend John Savage sides with him. So our cowboy has to go and get them.
EXT. FOREST - MORNING
The bunch of cowboys are moving through the forest carefully.
COWBOY #1
I think we are lost.
BILL PULLMAN
We are men, and men are never lost. Keep moving.
FEW HOURS LATER...
COWBOY #1
I’m telling you, we are lost. We should ask for directions.
BILL PULLMAN
Men don’t ask for directions. What’s the matter with you?
FEW MORE HOURS LATER.....
ALL THE COWBOYS
HELLO!!! IS ANYBODY HERE?
JOHN SAVAGE
What the hell are you all screaming for? You were supposed to sneak up on me quietly. What a bunch of losers!
BILL PULLMAN
Well, we caught you. That’s all that matters.
(to the editor)
You’ll have to cut this out. I don’t want us to look stupid.
INT. RUINS OF A LOG HOUSE (kind of thing) - MORNING
BILL PULLMAN
Well, John, I know you were my best friend, but you lost your ways, did some bad deeds so I have to hang you, because the sense of justice is stronger in my heart than the feeling of friendship, you ungrateful son of a gun.
JOHN SAVAGE
It’s okay Bill, I’m at peace with it.
(beats at his chest proudly)
IT IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!
SCREENWRITER LARRY GROSS
What is this Klingon bullshit?
JOHN SAVAGE
I was on Star Trek: Voyager last season. Didn’t you know?
ALL THE COWBOYS
He is a Trekkie??!!
BILL PULLMAN
String him up. Quick!
EXT. ANOTHER NICE PLACE with lots of green grass. Bill and Diane are having breakfast together.
DIANE LANE
I can’t believe you hanged John, your best friend.
BILL PULLMAN
It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it.
DIANE LANE
Do you really think he deserved to be killed for
stealing a few cows?
BILL PULLMAN
Forget them cows. He was a damned Trekkie!
DIANE LANE
Oh, dear Lord. I guess it’s okay then.
They make up and decide to get married. All is well and things are looking up when the stuff hits the fan again. Bad guy Colm Feore goes too far, kills two people and even brags about it. So cowboy Bill has another sad task to do.
EXT. OUTSIDE DIANE LANE’S HOUSE - THEIR WEDDING DAY
BILL PULLMAN
Diane, that tall, balding son of a gun Colm Feore killed the two men who were supposed to settle the Judge’s problems with Dennis Weaver. So I have to go and hunt him down.
DIANE LANE
Bill, if you love me, please don’t do this!
BILL PULLMAN
It has nothing to do with love. This has to do with ego. And I have a big one.
DIANE LANE (giggling)
Ahem. I bet you do.
(suddenly serious)
Listen to me Bill. This is our wedding day, and I’m standing here in the my underclothes begging you not to do this. Don’t you feel anything?
BILL PULLMAN
Yes I do, but I can’t talk about it. This is a family movie.
(whispering)
And my wife is watching.
DIANE LANE
For chrissakes, if you don’t listen to what I say now what’s it gonna be like after 10 years of marriage? Sorry Bill, but if you go the wedding is off.
BILL PULLMAN
Then so be it. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
INT. SALOON, MEDICINE BOW
Bad guy Dennis Weaver and even badder guy Colm Feore are having fun drinking themselves stupid. Bill puts on his most serious face and his meanest looking gun and walks in, scaring the hell out of everyone.
COLM FEORE
Now look who’s here? Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. Wrong. Mr. President. Mr. I-Don’t-Know-How-To-Make-A-Blockbuster-Anymore.
BILL PULLMAN
Say what you want you balding no good, but I’m the one who calls the shots in this movie. I decide who lives and who dies. I hope they’ve taken your measure for a coffin.
COLM FEORE
You’ve been killed in a western before. It can happen to you again!
BILL PULLMAN
Not very likely. Not as long as I sit in the director’s chair.
(to composer Nathan Barr)
Nathan, would you stop torturing that violin? I want some more cheerful music.
NATHAN BARR
This is a dramatic scene man, I can’t exactly play the castanetta, can I?
The Good and the Bad, or if you prefer: the Handsome and the Ugly stand face to face, and after a few tense moments Bill shoots Colm Feore through the heart, gives a near heart attack to the saloon cat and Dennis Weaver another good tossing around. Then he goes to Diane Lane’s house and finds her gone.
BILL PULLMAN
Oh, damn! I hate to travel!
Nevertheless, he follows his heart (and the script) and goes to Vermont where Diane’s kin live.
INT. BARN - VERMONT
DIANE LANE
You came all the way from Wyoming for me?!!!
BILL PULLMAN
Thank God for private jets. I want you to come back with me. I’ve changed since you left.
DIANE LANE
You no longer look at dirty magazines?
BILL PULLMAN
I no longer want to tie you behind a horse and drag you around by the hair.
She stares at him.
BILL PULLMAN
Come on Diane, I’m really trying here.
DIANE LANE
I know. I missed you. And I missed riding with you along the river.
BILL PULLMAN
Hey, the river is still there.
Bill embraces her and they kiss. For a long time.
MAESA PULLMAN
(to Al Hurwitz)
Grandpa, why is daddy kissing that woman?
AL HURWITZ
He is not really kissing her, he is just acting. We call it a screen kiss.
TAMARA PULLMAN
(to herself)
Well, I call it midlife crisis. Screen kiss, my foot!
They go back to Wyoming and get married.
END CREDITS ROLLING: .....Special thanks to Tamara Pullman.....
TED TURNER
Hey, what the hell's wrong with this guy? He's thanking his wife?
(to the TNT people)
I’ll be damned if I’m gonna waste precious air time on this sentimental crap! Split the screen guys and show a clip from Die Hard. This Pullman guy can thank his wife at the Golden Globes next year.
THE END
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