Title: The While You Were Sleeping Abridged Script
Author: Ildi
Rating: RG-13 for some swear words
Disclaimer: Ildi and billpullman.org do not have any rights over this story and the characters. We're also not making any money off of this. The Empress of the Fanfic page needs a new computer, but she's not seeing any cash from this. She's still using an aging computer. Ildi doesn't make any money off of this, though she should because she's good! We HIGHLY recommend this movie; it's sweet; it's fun; Bill looks fabulous in it. And your husband/boyfriend will like it because Sandra Bullock is in it. In fact, buy the DVD. Someone makes money, but dang, it's not us. You'll also understand why this is such a stitch. We're just having a bit of fun here.
WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING: The abridged script
EXT. CHICAGO SUBURBS - LATE AT NIGHT - AROUND CHRISTMAS
CLOSE UP ON THE PAVEMENT. It’s grey and dirty.
Suddenly a TIRE rolls into view. The tire is attached to a TRUCK. The door opens and a pair of WORKBOOTS step out. The workboots are attached to a pair of blue jeans, and those are attached to BILL PULLMAN. He slams the door shut and starts towards a house that’s so overdecorated it looks tacky.
DIR. JOHN TURTELTAUB
Hey, wait a minute! This is NOT how the movie starts!
PULLMANITES
It is for us. Get over it!
INT. CALLAGHANS’ HOUSE
Bill enters the house where he meets Monica Keena.
MONICA KEENA
Hey brother!
BILL
It’s after 10 o’clock! What are you doing still up?
MONICA KEENA
God, you sound like my father.
BILL PULLMAN
Thanks to those numbnuts in the casting department I’m more than old enough to be your father. Go to bed! No, wait! Who’s this girl sleeping on the couch?
MONICA KEENA
That’s Sandra Bullock. She is Peter’s fiancee.
BILL PULLMAN
Peter Gallaghers? Get out! Last time I heard she was dating Matthew McConaughey.
INT. HOUSE - MORNING
Sandra Bullock tiptoes out of the Callaghans’ living room.
BILL PULLMAN
Why are you trying to sneak out of my parents’ house?
SANDRA BULLOCK
I broke one of your mother’s porcelain figurines last night and I wanted to split before she noticed.
BILL PULLMAN
You are a strange woman.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Yeah, but I’m cute. So what the heck.
INT. HOSPITAL - PETER’S ROOM
Bill is eyeing Sandra suspiciously.
BILL PULLMAN
I think you are a fake and I’m going to prove it.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Is that so?
BILL PULLMAN
I can smell a lie from a mile.
SANDRA BULLOCK
You can’t smell shit. I saw that interview on Conan. And your mother likes me so you haven’t got a chance.
BILL PULLMAN
Really? Well how about this? Joe Fusco Jr. said you were intimate.
SANDRA BULLOCK
The only thing Joe Jr. has ever been intimate with is his right h....
JOHN TURTELTAUB
Whoa!!!. Gotta watch the rating ,Sandy!
SENILE GRANDMOTHER
Give her a break Bill, I’m sure she can prove it. Right hon?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Sure grandma.
BILL PULLMAN
Now THIS I have to hear.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Peter is a hermaphrodite.
The family looks at her in shock.
FAMILY
No way!
SANDRA BULLOCK
I’m telling you. He had the operation a year ago. He appeared in several magazines and was Playmate Of The Month. Twice.
PETER BOYLE
In Playboy or Playgirl?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Both.
BILL PULLMAN
Come on folks, I hope you are not buying this baloney.
SANDRA BULLOCK
I have a few pictures, you want to see them?
CALLAGHAN FAMILY
NO!
SENILE GRANDMOTHER
Yes!
MAMA CALLAGHAN
Ma!
(to Sandra Bullock)
We believe you sweetheart.
Sandra winks at Bill victoriously.
BILL PULLMAN
You are good.
SANDRA BULLOCK
I know.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT. Bill is walking Sandra home.
BILL PULLMAN
Uh-oh! We have some ice here. Can you skate?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Nope. Can you?
BILL PULLMAN
No, but I can play the trombone.
SANDRA BULLOCK
So how are we going to get across the ice?
BILL PULLMAN
Well, I guess we will just have to do it the old fashioned way.
Holding on to each other they take a few steps, and soon they end up first in each other’s arms in cute positions, then flat on their asses.
FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE
Awwww!!!!!! That is soooo cute!
THEIR BOYFRIENDS
Aw! That is sooo boring!
SCREENWRITERS SULLIVAN & LEBOW
Don’t worry guys, we have a plot twist coming up.
BOYFRIENDS
Oh, okay.
INT. HOSPITAL - PETER’S ROOM
Bill is playing cards with his comatose brother.
BILL PULLMAN
(to John Turteltaub)
Doesn’t this look just a tad stupid?
JOHN TURTELTAUB
Yeah, but it’s cute.
BILL PULLMAN
I hate cute. Let’s liven this thing up a bit, shall we?
(to Peter Gallagher)
You know brother, I always hated your guts. You were always the pride of the family, the teacher’s favourite...
PETER GALLAGHER
Yeah, but you were always the one with the prettiest girlfriends.
BILL PULLMAN
Damn right! And now I’m going to take Sandra off your hands too.
PETER GALLAGHER
Why are you so mean to me?
BILL PULLMAN
Because you drive a Beamer while I have a truck and our parents were always telling me that if I didn’t study like you I’d end up delivering furniture.
PETER GALLAGHER
Well, they were right, weren’t they?
BILL PULLMAN
That’s not the point here.
PETER GALLAGHER
What IS the point?
BILL PULLMAN
Er....., never mind. Just shut up. You are supposed to be in a coma anyway.
INT. CALLAGHAN’S HOUSE
MONICA KEENA
Everybody, Sandra got pregnant.
FAMILY
By a hermaphrodite?
SENILE GRANDMOTHER
Wow! Imagine what a video that would make!
MAMA CALLAGHAN
Ma!
SENILE GRANDMOTHER
What?! I’m being funny.
MAMA CALLAGHAN
No Ma, you are being senile.
BOYFRIENDS IN THE AUDIENCE
Is this the plot twist???
SULLIVAN & LEBOW
Sorry, this is the best we could do.
INT. SANDRA’S APT. BUILDING - HALLWAY
MICHAEL RISPOLI
Hi Sandra, I brought you flowers.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Those are not flowers, it’s a tomb ornament.
MICHAEL RISPOLI
Whatever. How come you like that other guy more than me?
SANDRA BULLOCK
His ass doesn’t hang out of his pants when he bends over.
MICHAEL RISPOLI
I see your point. Can you at least give me a hug?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Sure, why not.
Bill just rounds the corner when he sees Sandra hugging the little twerp, and turns green with jealousy. He turns on his heels and goes to his truck, where he proceeds to pace like a caged tiger for the next 20 minutes.
BILL PULLMAN
I sure wish she’d hurry up, my butt is freezing. Why does it take a woman such a long time to get dressed?
Finally Sandra shows up and they go to a party where Bill embarrasses both of them.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Sandra is pissed, Bill runs after her.
BILL PULLMAN
I’m sorry I made a fool of both of us, but I got blinded by jealousy.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Just because Mikey gave me flowers and I gave him a hug?
BILL PULLMAN
You looked like you were enjoying yourself. The way you were leaning against him. Like this.
He leans towards her, closer and closer until their faces are just a few inches apart.
SANDRA BULLOCK
If you lean any closer I’m gonna stick an icicle up your nose.
BILL PULLMAN
Come on, don’t you like me?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Actually, I’m falling in love with you but I’m not supposed to realize that just yet.
(sighing)
Leave it to men to write a love story.....
Bill walks her home while arguing the whole time. It will make an interesting marriage if they’ll ever make it that far.
In the meanwhile Peter Gallagher wakes up from his coma miraculously.
INT. HOSPITAL - PETER’S ROOM
BILL PULLMAN
Howdy brother! I brought you some ice cream.
PETER GALLAGHER
Yumm! Oh, this is so good! I missed my favorite dessert! So it didn’t work did it? Your pitiful plan to take Sandy from me has failed. I will be the one who marries her!
BILL PULLMAN
Don’t be so sure. The movie’s not over yet.
PETER GALLAGHER
Hey, I didn’t know they put raisins into chocolate ice cream!
BILL PULLMAN
They don’t.
PETER GALLAGHER
Are you blind? Here is another one. Yummm!
JACK WARDEN
Hello boys! I’m here to talk to my godson.
BILL PULLMAN
Good! Tell him the raisin he just ate was moving.
Sandra is unhappy. Peter asked her to marry him but she loves Bill. She would like to tell him but director Turteltaub forbids it. So she is getting ready to be married to Peter.
INT. SANDRA’S APARTMENT
Sandra is trying on shoes that match her wedding dress. She is showing them to her cat, but the poor creature couldn’t care less. Suddenly there is a KNOCK at the door. Sandra rolls her eyes.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Arrgh!!!! I don’t want any flowers from you, I’m not wearing black underwear, and I definately do not want to move in with you Jo......
She opens the door and finds herself staring into Bill’s gorgeous face. For a few seconds she is speechless. So are all the female Pullmanites.
SANDRA BULLOCK (cont’d) ......Jack!
BILL PULLMAN
Well, I don’t have any flowers, I would’t mind seeing the black underwear,.......... actually I WOULD mind! I’m getting really fed up with being paired up with such small breasted actresses. Cathy Tyson, Linda Fiorentino, Nicole Kidman..., for crying out loud, just once I’d love to do a love scene with someone who has those big, luscious...
VOICE
How about Patricia Arquette?
CLOSE UP ON A BROOM STANDING ON ITS HANDLE. NO. IT’S DAVID LYNCH, but who the hell can tell the difference?
BILL PULLMAN
Patricia Arquette? Yeah! Wouldn’t that be something? She has those big, round......
DAVID LYNCH
You are hired.
BILL PULLMAN
For what?
DAVID LYNCH
I’m making a movie called "Lost Highway."
BILL PULLMAN
What is it about?
DAVID LYNCH
I’ve no idea. Maybe the story will unfold as we are shooting it.
BILL PULLMAN
What if it won’t?
DAVID LYNCH
Then we will let the audience figure it out.
BILL PULLMAN
Sounds good to me.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Ahem!
BILL PULLMAN
Oh, I’m sorry! Where were we?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Never mind, just tell me: can you give me any reason why I shouldn’t marry your brother?
BILL PULLMAN
Apart from the fact that you don’t love him? No. But I can give you one very good reason why you should. He is rich, he has connections. He can get you a good plastic surgeon who can help you raise your cup size.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Is that so? Well, you are not such a find yourself you know. Your face is fat, that thing in your eye bothers the hell out of me, and you have an irritating laugh!
Bill takes off like an angry bull, Sandra stares after him defiantly.
INT. HOSPITAL CHURCH - WEDDING
Bill is in an emotional turmoil. He paces nervously while his brother is fussing with his clothes.
PETER GALLAGHER
Quit pacing! What’s the matter with you?
BILL PULLMAN
I have to go to the bathroom.
PETER GALLAGHER
Do I look okay?
BILL PULLMAN
Are you kidding?! Your eyebrows need waxing, and you’re standing here wearing a suit while hooked up to an IV.
PETER GALLAGHER
You are just jealous because Sandra is marrying me. And can you blame her after the things you said to her? You called her a small breasted woman, you twit!
BILL PULLMAN
I didn’t mean that, I was just angry. I’m such an idiot.
Sandra shows up looking beautiful. The musician plays the wedding music, Bill’s heart does a flip-flop.
PRIEST
Just about time sweetheart. Let’s get this show on the road, we don’t have all day. Do you?
BILL PULLMAN
Wait a minute! What is this? The extra short version?
PRIEST
You didn’t seem to mind in "Spaceballs. " Listen, I have a funeral to perform in less than a half an hour. So shall we?
SANDRA BULLOCK
I object.
PRIEST
To what?
SANDRA BULLOCK
To this wedding.
PRIEST
Then why didn’t you just stay at home? It would’ve made more sense.
SANDRA BULLOCK
I like the humiliation. It builds character.
(to the Callaghans)
Bill was right, I AM a fake. I lied to everybody because of a convenient plotline. I’m sorry. I really like all of you, despite that you are a bunch of wackos and stereotypes, and the thought of marrying into such family scares the shit out of me.
(to Peter Gallagher)
I can’t marry you because I’m in love with your brother.
PETER GALLAGHER
Wha...?????
SANDRA BULLOCK
Get over it.
She leaves the church leaving everybody scratching their collective heads.
INT. TOKEN BOOTH - SUBWAY STATION - FEW DAYS LATER
Sandra sits in the booth bored and miserable, when suddenly a ring appears out of nowhere. She looks up to see Bill and the group of wackos in front of the booth. She picks up the ring and examines it closely.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Oh my god, a diamond engagement ring!
BILL PULLMAN
Cubic Zirconia. I’m a delivery guy, remember?
SANDRA BULLOCK
I thought you didn’t like small breasted women.
BILL PULLMAN
I was just joking. Can I come in there please?
SANDRA BULLOCK
It’s a free country.
Bill goes in and gets on his knees.
BILL PULLMAN
I love you. You are beautiful and sweet and you managed to freak out my brother. I was never able to do that. Marry to me!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Okay.
They kiss, while the PULLMANITES are swooning left and right.
EXT. SUBWAY TRAIN
Bill and Sandra stand on the caboose all decked out in their wedding outfits. They are engaged in a fake, but believable kiss.
SANDRA BULLOCK
(voice over)
Well what do you know? Isn’t it interesting how sometimes life turns out? My father always told me to marry a rich guy so I would never have to work, and here I am hitched to a loser. I bet my dad is tossing and turning in his grave. Oh well, I can always get a divorce and marry Bill’s lawyer brother. But now I’m off to Florence. Yipee!!!
THE END